2003 Hummer H2 review

A Hummer is a rap star’s dream machine. But should ordinary folk aspire to owning this heavy metal SUV with its prodigious appetite for fuel and reluctance to stop in a hurry?

The Hummer H2 is a vehicle hyped by Hollywood and in the background of every rap video, with bootylicious hunnies draped over the bonnet an absolute must. Add 24 inches of chrome under the guards, thumping AV setups, designer fabric headlining and you too will have a ride that is pimp-fit for the new money celebs of the film and rap game.

According to its General Motors makers, the H2 blends and refines the original H1’s rugged heritage by adding more creature comforts and maintaining off road leadership. A more civilised package in which to conquer suburbia. Where the H1 was the civilian version of the HUMVEE with the rocket launchers removed, the H2 is the truck built to bring more buyers to the brand and it’s worked with the 100,000th H2 recently sold, or about 100,000 more than Greenpeace would like. The H2 borrows its ladder chassis from the GMT820 platform also used for the Chevy Suburban and Tahoe SUVs. Hanging off it is an independent front suspension with a five-link solid rear axle with coil springs. 

This thing is big; over two metres wide, over five metres long and two metres tall, it’s one of the few vehicles from which you can look truck drivers in the eye. It’s so big, the bonnet has its own grab handles to help you wrench it open. Under the cover lies a suitably-behemoth V8, a 6.0 litre Vortec producing 236kW at 5200rpm and 488Nm at 4000rpm. Powerful enough – but hardly sophisticated and it doesn’t get any better with the old GM four-speed auto handling the torque. 

H2 features an electrically controlled full-time 4WD system with push button-activated low-range gearing. ABS and traction control are also present. For off roading, both systems adjust to perform better in rough and slippery conditions (like the ability of the electronics to try and regain traction through a single wheel, if necessary), or allow more wheel slip in sand.

Hummer is proud to gloat about its off road capability, claiming it can wade through half a metre of water, climb over 40cm rocks thanks to its 245mm of ground clearance, 40deg approach angle and 39deg departure angle (although independent American research found just five per cent of owners actually venture off road with their H2s). Standard wheel and tyre package sees the Hummer with 17-inch alloys and 315/70 series tyres, all up measuring just under 90cm in diameter. The sum of its parts sees a claimed curb weight of 2909kgs, too heavy for us to verify on our scales!

And the Hummer loves a drink, with the instantaneous fuel readout regularly reading a measly one mpg! An average of about 26L/100km during city driving means you’ll get about 460km from the 121 litre fuel tank, or your $175 (that’s over $300 at today’s price – Ed) worth of gas. And how’s this: in the States you can get a tax break for a vehicle this heavy, with the actual deductions better than those owners of alternative-fuel vehicles enjoy! And what does George W reckon: “these deductions help the US auto industry.” Bugger the environment, in other words. 

Climbing high to attach the VBOX antenna to the roof, it was time to really burn some hydrocarbons. Getting 3000kg to move quickly takes time and the 6.0 L V8 uses all of its 6500rpm rev range in the first two gears to hit 100km/h in 10.32 seconds. Aerodynamics of a brick don’t help (well actually someone has measured its drag coefficient and found it to be 0.57 whereas a brick is actually 2.1). The auto is quick to kick down, lunging the V8 into the red zone and taking 7.20 seconds to move the H2 from 80 to 120km/h. Now while it takes a determined effort to get the beast to crank up to speed, it takes more to stop it and here’s a good reason not to get too crazy in your H2. It takes 52 metres to pull up from 100km/h.   

The Hummer is designed for cruising American freeways and boulevards, and this is what it does best. Head out on the motorway and it cruises like a 50ft launch on a millpond, the V8 even happy to sip away at its fuel! The armchair-like seats ensure maximum comfort, the steering wheel almost locked on the dead ahead. Hit the cruise control and you could almost fall asleep. 

Fire the H2 at a few corners, however, and you’ll start thinking there can’t be any on the Hummer test track. Well tight corners at least. It has wide tracks and massive roll bars (a big 36mm diameter bar at the front and 32mm at the rear) and so sits nicely on the road, helped also by its massive kerb weight and wide tyres. But what it hates doing is changing direction quickly, preferring to head on straight; best to take it easy on winding roads, or better still avoid them altogether. 

For all its size, it’s not the nightmare to manoeuvre you’d think. With big wing mirrors, a tidy turning circle and a high driving possie, it’s not that daunting once you master the dimensions. But if you do bump into something or run over a small car, you’ll never know.